SO's crush - poll I've been dating my serious girlfriend for over a year, although much of it was long distance. Anyway, she has/had a big crush on someone at her job (doesn't see him on the job, but through work social events). I guess I wonder how common/natural that is. I'm sure it happens, but I wonder about the implications for how she deep down feels about me. We're considering marriage, but both still have doubts, probably me moreso until recently. (I'm 32, her 29). Anyway, I could add more details about what made it upsetting, but I'll add two. (1) She waited long enough to tell him she had a boyfriend that she must have made an effort not to mention it and (2) she was planning to go on a fishing trip alone with just him (I hope for just a day, but perhaps overnight) - I'll clarify this with her later if I want to bring it up again. Also, it wouldn't be upsetting if I felt I could trust her, which is complicated, but has much to do with her past & current behavior as it does with any paranoia on my part. I'm just wondering how concerned people think I should be about this kind of behavior. Throw out the possibility that the planned fishing trip was overnight - because I don't need input to know that is too much for me. Also, I suspect the not telling attractive men that she has a boyfriend is a pattern of hers, so I wonder what people think of that too.

Crushes are normal, but the fishing trip is a bad idea. I'd be concerned too about her not being open about being in a relationship. Some people always seem to have their eyes open for someone better who might come along. How did you find out about the crush? If she told you, that's a good sign. If you had to drag it out of her, not so good.

good question Yes, she said early on she is one of those "eyes open for someone better" even when she seemed absolutely bonkers over me. How I found out is really pertinent, so it is a good question. We were meeting in public. As I approached I heard this snippet of a phone conversation. "...oh him, he got an armband tattoo while in Vegas. I don't think he's meant to be for me." (Then she listened, then she started to talk about another topic.) I was already a bit suspicious of the guy because she had mentioned the fishing trip and because I can read her well. So I took a while to process this and then mentionned overhearing the conversation that night. She basiy said she didn't know what it meant for us, but made it sound more like she has had crushes in relationships before, although not many since we've been in the same city.

Here's the problem. Crushes are pretty normal, even for us old married people. If you're in a relationship with someone else, you have to just wait for them to fade over time. The only way that they fade, however, is to do absolutely nothing to feed them. No unnecessary contact at all. Agreeing to go on a fishing trip with the guy and without you is cooking the crush a six course meal and serving it wine. This shows poor judgement and a complete lack of respect for you and your relationship. I would really question if this woman is cut out right now for a long term, committed relationship. Some people just can't do them.

Whatever insight I have is the product of the many, many mistakes I have made, both directly and in my poor choice of significant others. I do seem to have finally gotten it right however. If her desires trump treating others well, and she can't can't keep her lips off of guys just because they're hot and want to make out, I see a lot of pain in your future if you settle down with her. The good news is that there are plenty of great women out there who will not treat you this way. Good luck.

Your , but what you have to lose is your peace of mind and self respect. How are you going to feel if she goes on that trip and it's an overnighter? Have you had a conversation with her about how totally unacceptable this type of behavior is?

already gone and not in danger Peace of mind is gone the same whether I'm with her or not. My self respect, I think I'll be fine. If she goes on the trip overnight, I'll feel that she is someone with the bad traits that you put in your other posts, and thus in no way worthy of any more of my life. Lesson learned. If I had not found out/confirmed the crush and a fishing trip date had been set, we would have had a discussion about my concerns. If it had been an overnighter, we would have had a fight and she'd probably cancel the trip to appease me. She may have cancelled even if it was only a same day trip. She does seem to want to do right by me when I express concerns. As for the conversation. I brought it up as we went to sleep after a long day for her. I wasn't sure how unacceptable it was. I wrote an e-mail this morning saying it was unacceptable to not bring up her boyfriend in this situation and I also asked about the overnight trip, but I'm waiting to send it until she's over her usual morning crankiness and until I got some feedback here.

brilliant analogy. although I have to say that sometimes I have found the best way to get over a crush is to lay the cards on the table, tell the person I have a crush, discuss it briefly, admit it's not going to go anywhere, and shut up about it thereafter. if you're not crushing on a predatory soul who will try to take advantage of your feelings, this tactic can work well.

That strategy has worked for me too. But depending on who you have the crush on, it may not be an option. Great NY minds continuing to think alike. :)

happily for me I tend to get my crushes on gentle and honorable men.

i usually crush on REALLY funny guys. I had a crush on a guy at my job years ago and he just LOVED the attention. LOL Made for a fun day at work that's for sure..

happened to me me and the crush hashed it out once when his girl was like "you too need to figure this shit out".. and we laughed.. Then we became the best of friends, all of us. IT was just that we met in a situation that brought us to be close friends and we hadn't met new people in AGES due to our jobs and just our daily routine..so we loved each other's company..

crushes are def normal but you're right, the trip sorta rings bells. OF course, a friend of mine had a crush on me and i knew it and he was in a serious LTR.. I had a crush on him but I was in a relationship too..but it was all friendly and we SPOKE about going away hiking or camping together but never really did it. His GF always made fun of us too. She knew about me becuase he told her when we met and was talking about me constantly, and his GF who's cool as fuck was like "you got a crush on her"...LOL it was totally harmless. And it definitely moved on. I've been friends with them for over x years now and even dated his friend!

if someone doesn't mention within the first x-x minutes of a conversation that they have a BF/GF/wife/husband, they're purposely withholding it.

another example In the gym, I get approached by girls once in awhile (not tooting my horn; it's inevitable in that environment). We start some small talk about the gym, her routine, what she's doing, what I'm doing. In the first x minutes, I'll say "well, my wife prefers leg presses to squats; she's built kinda like you are" or something equally nonchalant. Just in that one statement, I've made it clear (as if the ring didn't give it away) (x) I'm married (b) I'm not afraid to talk to you about my wife because (III) I love her and I'm not interested in side action.

are you serious??? LMAO that's the biggest crock of shit I've ever heard...

Crushes are normal. But the fact that you know about it is weird. And the fishing trip is completely inappropriate. I love my SO dearly. as my posting history will likely tell you. But there is this guy at my work that makes me blood boil. We work in different departments and he is out of the office a lot, so I rarely have contact with him. When I do it is unexpected, like I'll be sitting in a meeting in the conference room with all people I work with everyday. I'm relaxed and comfortable. Then he'll come in to join the meeting and I immediately perk up and wish I had worn a more flattering top. I haven't told my boyfriend about him, and I haven't told the tall drink about my boyfriend. Why? Because the only time he and I have ever had (or ever will have) a conversation is when we both got stuck at the jammed copy machine trying to un-jam it. (Part of the problem was probably me drooling onto the machine while in his presence, but still..) I consider my "crush" relatively healthy; I'm not at all interested in 'considering other options'. But the thing with your girlfriend is raising some red flags.

spanish phrase regarding office crushes I was going to write an ellaborate response based upon my experience with crushes and office crushes while being in a relationship, but basiy you guys already said everything, but there¡s a saying in spanish "donde tengas la olla no metas la polla" (hope you see the rhyme in there even if you don't speak spanish ), which means "where you have your pot(as in cooking pot) don't put your dick" , it's perhaps a bit crude and macho (assumes if you are working you have a dick, but it's just a popular saying), but really tell your gf to apply that to her office crush, because as everyone has said the fishing trip is a huge red flag, not just an innocent crush.

Never get your meat where you get your bread.

don't shit where you eat

^^^^^^^^^^^^^misplaced post,meant to reply to OP

I have a work associate who's just mouthwatering. She's Puerto Rican, for starters (yum) and just, really, all that. All kinds of flirting happens when I have to go out there. She's heavy into astrology, and guessed correctly that I am a Scorpio, and made a big deal about how she has a weak spots for Scorpios. We won't ever, ever, ever meet outside the office. We'll never talk on the phone unless it's business. We'll sure as hell never go fishing overnight. There are lines. She needs to learn where they are. Pronto.

no astrology expert But that supposedly means we'd have awesome sex and then proceed to murder each other afterwards.

I have heard the same, lol

LOL, I know about it and you're right Iz Two scorpio's would make for some serious passionate sex and fights. YIKES

I don't like to fight so maybe we could just skip that and go straight to the passionate sex. LOL. I need my coffee.

You know if I had to wonder that much, I wouldn't be with the person. Xso was BIG on boundaries. I, of course, did not cross them, out of respect for myself, him, and our relationship. I remember getting upset about his stories from the gym and whatnot, but hey, he is an attractive guy. As long as no lines were crossed, no issue is present. I learned that as time went by. By the end of our relationship those little things didn't matter. Then again, we had bigger issues to worry about. Just my opinion. Not worth the stress. And you can't expect to teach her where the lines are. The lines are common sense!

if they stay overnight it's likely that they'll sleep together (or figure out why they don't want to sleep together). It is also likely that after that she'd be over him and that will be it. If they don't do this now, they might do it in a year or two, when you are married and have kids togehter. You might want to let her play out that scenario now, before she decides whether she wants to marry you or not.

I'd know what to do If I confirm that the contemplated trip was for overnight, I had planned to just dump her. Way over the line. I don't think the long term risk with this guy is that great. The conversation I overheard said "he's not meant to be for me" (paraphrase). When we talked about it, she admitted to a "big crush", but said the tattoo thing just likely confirmed what she was thinking about him not being right (baggage issues, coworker). What concerns me is less the crush than the way she seemed to be considering pursuing something (the trip and the "not meant to be" language).