My bf broke up with me because I asked the details of a gym activity he had with a woman friend. I previously gave him a go signal to go to the gym with his woman friend though I expressed my reservation (since they briefly dated at one point). I did not accuse him of cheating - I trust him - and I know that no cheating occurred. However, I feel uncomfortable for some reason (maybe gut, maybe insecurity, I'm not sure), so I asked questions. He said he feels I'm probing. He really reacted badly and then broke up with me. I'm heart broken. Did I really do something wrong? I feel more heart broken for the fact that he broke up with me on the fly without much consideration, not about the woman friend. I don't know what to do. Can somebody offer an advise please? Thanks a lot.

I didn't know either how it went down so fast I probably have asked five questions, tops, in an hour of conversation, and this was not all that we talked about. We initially discussed how our respective days went. I was really surprised and shocked. Now I'm having a hard time to move past it - I feel that the relationship was not valued much at all, if due to questions, break up is the first thing that comes to mind. Or maybe I'm overreacting? I'm not liking the fact that I'm even second-guessing myself. Please know that I'm not a jealous person, and I've not had (even once, except this one) to deal with the issue of jealousy before, and I'm in my late 30s.

yeah that seems really weird and lame... why would someone break up with you for asking questions? he just wanted to break up and found an excuse to....

i agree with you

I think skippy nailed it! You did not do anything wrong, he was looking for a way out and right now you are searching for answers. No need to search my dear, skippy and I both see the handwriting on the wall. Somestimes you win and sometimes you lose. billiethephillie handler for Oprah winfrey

That's my first impression too :( too much indignation for those questions. If I was being offensive, he can get mad and stop the conversation, right? If I made a gross mistake, I'm willing to atone for it. Heck, I don't think it's beyond me to grovel for forgiveness (though I've not tried yet). But to say we we're done and not to see each other anymore? Usually what we blurt out in the heat of anger (or any intense emotion) has some subconcious underpinnings. That's what I'm sad about - the truth hurts.

Hard telling. I'll assume you're underplaying your interrogation. If you weren't, however, you are better off without him. Why weren't you going to the gym, too?

I go to the gym too (not as often as he does) but we're an hour away from each other, whereas he lives within the neighborhood of his lady friend.

This whole drama has loads of lessons in it for you. It might be impossible to see them now but you'll see later that this experience has been good for you. Try not to ever talk to him again.

Did he seem like he was genuinely acting badly or could have been an act on his part? IF he over reacted he might come to his senses. But it sounds like you keep on a short leach. You gave him the go signal for a playdate at the gym with an ex (he briefly dated). Is he allowed to see his ex? I think he will see her if he wants to, no?

He already came to his senses and apologized. My issue now is, I feel the relationship has been devalued somehow with the way break up was lightly tossed around.

I think how people act during an argument can be a good indication of their emotional maturity.

Ask him why he would break up with you just because you asked questions. That seems a little odd to me and would make me feel a bit gun shy the next time.

So he apologized. What about next time you want to ask a couple of questions? My feeling is that although nothing may have happened yet, he's acting like he has something to hide. Mature people, working out with a platonic friend, do not have anything to hide. I'd be careful about taking this one back.

he was mad you asked you gave him permission to go with this girl, then you attack him after he does what you gave him permission for. Thus his reasoning for breaking up with you. In reality they already were doing something behind your back. He should have known that he would be questioned after spending time with an ex alone, dumping you for that is an over reaction. Leave the guy and don't look back, let him be with the ex.

I won't say its an attack but he definitely felt offended by my questions. I really wonder why. I was in my calmest moment when I asked the questions (definitely not an accusation). I don't really think that they were already doing something behind my back, but it could lead to that if they will get into the habit of spending time together, hence I felt I need to raise my concern. I know it was an issue on my side that I need to work on (I didn't want him to drop his friends simply because we were together), but at the same time, I'd like him to know that I have my concern and that it is being considered. It was not taken lightly apparently. For the males in here, is it really offensive to be asked questions on something like this? Do you feel that your integrity is being put to question?

just leave him alone you already said you dont go to the gym and you live a hour away it sounds like your being annoying if you wanted to know SOOOOO damn bad you shoulda went insteading sitting at home being pissed coming up with questions to bug him about

You were disrespectful and not loving.

So, he apologized and you're back together? (Was reading one of your follow-ups.) In that case, it sounds like he's got a bit of a temper. What kind of questions were they that you asked? Just general questions about how the workout was, how is she doing, etc.? Or accusatory questions? That would help clarify this a bit.

No, we're not back together. Questions like how long did you go to the gym for? Who invited to go to the gym? Questions like those.

Wait..what were the questions you asked?

I see two likely possibilities One is that he really hates being mistrusted and was sensitive to the fear behind your questions, possibly because he's seen your mind work that way before, and this was the last straw. The other is that he really is up to something (has a crush or designs on the woman) and wants to deflect your interrogation by making a stink so you're too wary of the results to ask again.

I get the feeling that you were not being honest with yourself or with him that it was okay with you for them to workout together. I have to say I don't know anyone whom that would be okay with. Unless it was an open relationship - and it doesn't sound as if that is your arrangement.

You must have an unusual social circle if working out at the gym together (i.e. in public) with a person of the opposite sex would be universally considered a morally questionable activity to everyone you know. Are you a strict religionist of some kind?

She said it was a woman he used to date.

where did she say that? regardless, I'd still think there might be a "been there, done that" blase-ness about it even if it was an ex, that would make at least some people OK with it.

Re-read the original post. "I previously gave him a go signal to go to the gym with his woman friend though I expressed my reservation (since they briefly dated at one point)" She states this fact and says that even though she gave him the go ahead, she felt reservation - that sounds like someone who is not comfortable with the situation, No? Don't know about you, but I would not be comfortable with my boyfriend seeing an ex in this type of setting. I would also wonder who made the initial invite. Call me a prude, but what does this have to do with religion?

oh, I see. but really--"briefly dated"? if they only had a couple of dates and never had sex, or had a one-night-stand five years ago and have been platonic ever since, would your entire social circle still feel the same way? I'm not trying to discount OP's intuition, as she may be on to something if she's not normally the jealous type. I'm only questioning the broad assumption that any regular activity with an ex, however brief their dating, must be problematic.

Yes, I would. Jealousy's not my thing, and I do believe in platonic friendships even with exes, both for me and for my man. And I only date men I consider really trustworthy. So it's never been an issue.