dealing with steps help! i will try to be brief: she is quiet and reserved, but very accepting, wanted more children, mild mannered, responsible and the sex was great! we got married, and for about six months it was still great. then she got pregnant. and right about the same time, i came home and the liquor was gone. i told her i suspected her son. my clothes ended up missing. found them in her son's closet. my dvd's went missing, and i found the empty cases in his room. he disconnected the dvd player and took it to his room. i told him to put it back. i found cigarettes in the trash, told her i suspected her son. thus far, my wife just shrugged her shoulders, and had no comment about all this, which frustrated me. i want the boy to learn respect and responsibility, and i think he gets away with everything. then we had the baby. and soon after i find used condoms in her son's room, and my tools that i thought were stolen, and more of my dvd's, and empty beer cans in his room. now i am mad and want action. the wife is pissed at me because how dare i look in his room. she tells her mother who is also pissed at me. needless to say, my wife is a stranger to me now. she does not talk to me much, sex is gone, and i am not invited to her family for the holidays. my wife says she would not have married me if she knew that i think it is okay to look in the ' room. but she does not want to end our marriage. she feels that need to be independent after age 13, and the adult should give advice only when asked. and punishment only causes rebellion. where i think the parent should maintain control over the ' room, and give them advice and guidance continuously, and independence is earned when they move out. i do not understand her way of thinking. she refuses to go to marriage therapy with me. what do i do? how do i get the commmunication going? how do i get her to accept me again?

Your wife is not parenting her child and her view of parenting is scewed. You are right to want to discipline this child. The things he is doing are wrong, and your wife is doing nothing about it. You want to live this way the rest of your life? I say ditch now. Never would I give that advice, but she doesn't sound like the sharpest tool in the shed. Sorry. Best of luck

That is the problem Kids seek order and routine in their lives. She is trying to be a friend not a parent. I would not want this woman raising my child. Kids need a parent. They will never trust you completely as a friend, they want advice, guidance and sometimes need discipline. I know my mother was your wife. I hate her for not being their for me as a child.

This is where duct tape comes in... I'd also suggest beating with a shovel. Seriously - who is in charge in your house? You or the step son? What advice are you looking for here? You've already made it clear to your wife and step son that they can walk on you. We can't tell you differently.

The step-boy must die...or! deal with it. It's too bad that this is the type of mothering your own child will have with her. Kids need structure, tough love & guidence. Step heading for the pen.

Everyone has a different parenting style it sounds like your wife's is a bit . . . wierd, but that's fine for HER. It is HER child and she should be the disciplinarian. You are the step-father and really don't have the right to parent him. That said, it is YOUR home as well as hers. YOUR things and your position should be respected. You have the right to your things and to inspect every inch of the home you are paying for. Ideally, you should be able to convey to your wife your thoughts, ideas, and values and she, in turn, can implement them in a "united" front. So, while your wife feels you have overstepped your authority with regard to HER child, she has done nothing to solidify the marriage and united family/parental front. She should be very careful - - HOPEFULLY her son will leave the home soon (in handcuffs or otherwise), and then there is only you, she and your child together. She isn't thinking very long term or very clearly.

My first thought, when I read this... Was that I agree... True, the kid should have his privacy. However, he's STEALING your stuff! And more, he's doing things like drinking your alcohol, which can get YOU in trouble for supplying it to a minor! Honestly, if it continues, I would threaten the stepson with the cops. One night in the lock-up will teach him REAL quick.

Kids deserve privacy only if they earn it. If they abuse it they deserve to be monitered to the fullest extent possible.

Yes, I agree To a point. My parents wouldn't let me lock my bedroom door, and would walk in on me anytime they felt like. So I'm more into privacy than saying the kid HAS to live in a glass cube... But at the same time, if the kid is stealing stuff, he deserves to have his room "invaded" to retrieve said stuff... I'm still a fan of ing the cops on him next time.

well...a kid should be able to lock their door unless they abuse it. Like my son did..he smoked pot in his bedroom, so he had to keep the door unlocked so I could bust in whenever I felt like. I would knock and give him time to put his dick away or flip the porn channel on the tv or computer...but not time eneoph to get rid of the MJ evidence.Was there some reason your parents felt the need to be able to walk in anytime?

My dad... He was of the mind that it was his house, so he should have the right to go into any room he wants to. And he generally didn't knock, either. Fun stuff! /sarcasm

Well...if he did that when you had not abused your privacy...then that was pretty insensitive and unthoughtful of him. But NO dad is ever perfect. I hope he made up for that imperfection in other ways.

Somewhat.... Four years later, I'm moving back in with the parents, at least for a few months, so we'll see how things go...

Good luck. I recommend you ask yourself if your dad thought his methods were in YOUR best interest. Maybe he wasn't asserting his rights to come into your room. Maybe he thought that your claiming of your right to privacy was too presumptious on your part...and he was trying to knock that presumption down a little...for your own good. Presumption is rarely a good thing. If he's a good man and was meaning the best for you, you shouldn't hold this mistake against him. My father made some very big mistakes raising me. But he did it with the best of intentions, combined with a great deal of thoughtlessness. I forgave him early in life for it and was happy to do so. My brother on the other hand, held it against him for years, and caused a lot of unnecessary tension and even heartache between the two of them. One of the biggest disappointments in life is when you learn your parents aren't perfect. And the biggest advances is when you realize that disappointment was just another childish phase.

How do you know anything about my child rearing tactics..so that you disagree with them? I've only tried to show you that its possible your dad was doing what he thought was in your best interest. I never said his tactics were the best. But you seem to have decided he wasn't doing it for your own good...he was just being like sibling who let you use his toys (in this case your room) while busted in to remind you from time to time that it was really his room. Ok. Maybe thats the way he really was. You know better then me. I hope you keep your mind open though to the possibility you may have gotten the wrong impression. You are x% correct that every child has her own unique needs and should be approached in that way. Parents should be more in tune with the special personalities of their children and respond according to each.

Wow, chillax! I was referring to... Some fo your other posts... Sorry for upsetting you! I was trying to be friendly and nice in disagreeing and discussing... And yes, my dad was quite clear more than once that he had the right to come into my room because it was HIS. My father's a good guy, but he can be very immature.

oh..my other posts... i just don't remember ever posting on a child rearing thread in the forum before. Ever. But then..i have a bad memory so i'll take ur word for it. And wasn't upset at all. Completely Chill. Just talking. Good Luck with your Dad!

Ok, coolness... I meant this thread, in general... perhaps I am confused... In any case, have a great day...

Stepchildren If they are all living under the same roof, I would think the step father has every right to discipline the child especially when the child is targeting all the stepfather's things. If only the mom is left to discipline the child, the stepfather will never gain respect which is why the son just targets the stepfather. Easy for the entire side of the wife's family to take advantage of the stepfather. He has every right to discipline the stepchild. He should really discuss how to discipline him with his wife. Not wait for the wife to take action. Stepson takes his things. Stepfather should take away his privileges.

Whose name is on the mortgage? If my name is on the mortgage, here's how it goes down: In this house, which I am paying for, this is how we live: No one steals from anyone. If they do, they forfeit their right to privacy, and they open themselves to being handled by outsiders, i.e., the justice system. If anyone doesn't want to live this way, there is the door. If anyone lives under this roof and continues to steal, then this house goes on the market, and everyone in it goes their own way and is responsible for their own food and lodging when it is sold. End of discussion.

Unfortunately nice guys like this will never be this drastic. Ya it probably needs to be done but this guy will stay with this woman out of "love" or the child. I fear for his sanity and his regret I know he will have in the future. All we can do is pray for strength and hope something slaps him into doing something before his life is gone to this horrible marriage.

Our own experience: We came home from vacation, our x-year-old son had stayed home. The stereo is gone. Seems he took it to a party at a friend's house. I hit the roof. Hard. Stereo comes home. Another time, the only time ever, something told me to wiretap my son. To this day I don't know why. Turns out that the conversation was about getting a handgun to deal with some bullies at school. DW and I tossed his room and found stuff. We told him all about it all. Thereafter a few fisticuffs, no weapons, tossed out one night to fend for himself, ended up at coach's house for which we thanked the coach with a basket of fruit. There were one or two other interesting events before all this. Long story short, one night we get a . Son is in jail, and could we go his bail? We asked him to explain himself. Drunk and disorderly. We said we would be around some time after breakfast tomorrow. He got to spend a night in The Fishbowl as a guest of the people. The upshot: Model Citizen, respectful and grateful, homeowner, same full time job x years now, getting married to The Sweetest Gal In Town next summer, sweetest guy in town. I think it's best not to take any shit, don't give any more than you can help it, and speak the truth. If he has good genes, he will come around.

I love that story I used to sit in a school office and listen to parents of bratty kids tell me why it was 'mean' that we were disciplining their kids and then they'd go ballistic on the school for drawing a line in the sand. STUPID parents that is. The smart ones would turn to little Johnny and say, "You think THIS is bad? Just wait til you get home." THOSE are the kids I never had a second problem with. The first ones were the ones I would later read about in the paper as they made their mark in the world as criminals. Or the ones who got their gf's pregnant at x, as they prepared for their lifetime career at McDonalds.

I kind of agree If you are married and share a house you should be able to lay down the law (especially if no one else is). If it is as bad as you are saying, sometimes you have to show tough love. It will be better for him in the long run. I would tell your wife, if you have to live with the kid, you get some input. That's what I do now. I have lived with them for x years now so if I don't like the way his son is acting, even if my husband doesn't agree, I put my foot down. I tell him I don't mind being the asshole if it keeps the kid out of trouble.

Agreed

Protect yourself. It will get out that your stepson smokes and drinks (not to mention jerks off in your condoms, with a hammer up his ass). When another, no-so-free-thinking parent gets wind of this, you will be charged with a felony, and likely never see your kid again. I'd the police.

Let me know when you find out. Going through similar things but not on that scale. Son has no respect for anyone, not even himself. Room is trashed, my tools come up missing, lighters come up missing. Thinks he knows everthing. Wife went through a divorce so she let him get away with everything, constantly in trouble at school, too smart for his own good. Never picks up after himself unless we tell him, lies to your face about anything, accepts no responsibility for his actions, blames everyone else, when I try to talk to her about it, she just ignores me, so I give up. Soon he will stick his foot in his mouth and I ain't saying nothing. He will hang himself (metaphoriy) before too long.

Take son's door off the hinges if he can't live by the house rules he loses his privacy. Needless to say you and your wife need to be on the same page about discipline. Sounds like the son has divided and conquered here. Your wife needs to be a parent to her son instead of his buddy. Both she and he are blaming you for being the bad guy and that's BS. She want to sit back & play helpless. Tell her to do her job as a parent and step up to the plate!

also, no X-Box, TV, Computer, etc. He will have to earn those back. The sad thing is, your wife has to do this. Not you or he'll resent you even more. Too bad I'm not his auntie, I'd have you ship him to me and have him straightened out in no time.