Help! Need advice! My fiance and I have been together for three years now, and we still have the same problem. We fight all the time about spending time with his family. His mother and father do not live nearby, but he visits his uncle, who has wife and two , constantly. He considers it a big deal if he has not visited them in two weeks. I really do not have a problem with them, but I hate the way he acts around them. When we are there, he is very disrespectful to me, and he drinks for hours. By the time we leave the house, he is incredibly drunk...and incredibly mean.. He says cruel things to me and even threatens to hurt me if I do not to exactly what he says. There was a time he followed through on his threats to physiy hurt me. I am terrified of him when he has been drinking, and yet when he is with his uncle, he inevitably gets wasted. He is angry with me all the time for not wanting to go see his family with him, but I just can't deal with him when he is drunk and abusive. He says I am "only doing what I want to do" and "not caring about him." He will not work with me to resolve the argument, but storms out of the house and gives me the silent treatment for days. I really don't know how to handle this. What should I do?

staying away from his family will not stop his behavior. If he behaves this way now, he will in the future, for some other reason.

This was a big issue w my ex too! Best thing is to maybe trade off years,and give your fiance first dibs for the first year to be a good sport, show that you bargain in good faith.

Dump Him this guy is going to eventually hurt you very badly (physiy). If he hasn't married you after three years he probably never will. he wants to go there very couple weeks because its a pattern and he enjoys what is happening, you ned to make a plan and get out ASAP!!!

Listen and listen good, sweetheart: This is NOT a man you should marry! You really should not even keep him in your life, period. This is not a healthy, loving relationship. A man who loves you, who is a true partner and friend to you, would never intimidate you, be verbally or physiy abusive to you, or be angry towards you and hold grudges...it also sounds like he is an alcoholic. I hope you will break up with him, refuse to see him anymore, and keep yourself safe. Don't accept any apologies or sweet-talking pleas to let him back into your life! You deserve a nice man who will always be good to you.

He's an alcoholic, or at the very least well on his way to becoming one. Tell him he has to stop drinking. If he won't, break up with him. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Untreated, it's only going to get worse. Do not marry this man until he has been completely sober for at least a year.

Leave his drunk loser ass. but you'll stay and get married and the cycle will continue until he beats your ass so bad that the police will take him to jail. this will happen a few times until you finally realize you could have stopped all this by leaving him when you asked on CL but "you love him".... whatever

This is a sign of things to come in your marriage so I do not know why this is something you need advice on. Here is the obvious: If he acts very disrespectful to you when around them why do you want to go to his families? Is he getting drunk because because his family drunks and then gets disrespectful/abusive to you because of the drinking? I don't think there there is anything way you can handle this except for him to stop drinking...and honestly, ya think that is going to happen?

..becuase she grew up in a household where her mother/father (or both) were drunks

Hey.... You know, I really do appreciate useful advice...but comments like that, elmerdude, are really not appreciated or helpful. Thanks so much to everyone who does have helpful things to say. I appreciate it.

Try going to an al-anon meeting. It's an organization/self help group for people with alcoholics and abusive drinkers in their lives. You'll learn a lot and get good support.

Personally, Brit... If there's drama and the personalties clash where I can't stand the gal; my philosophy is "Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out." I've had LTRs where it was just never going to be right and we were never going to have enough things in common but she was smitten with puppy love. I tried to be a jerk but some say that made her want me more. It finally ended when I had to move away, otherwise she STILL might be coming around. The point is there are guys out there who are not 'all about the drama', like me. Would life be better teamed up with a good gal? Would a steady diet of sex put a smile on my face? HELL YEAH But I'm perfectly happy with my pup for company in the meantime. Miss_Conduct offers good advice for those who have no choice to have these people in their lives but it seems like you could make a choice and there are domestic violence programs too. When I drink, I'm happy where many people become ass-hats. Alcohol releases inhibitions so the real person comes out. Listen to beezerd, dflap, SurfChica, xangiex, ... The tribe has spoken, somebody's getting voted off the island. If you're unlucky enough, he'll "vote" you off island Earth, permanently!!!

If you're really honest with yourself, you already know what you need to do. You just need us to confirm it. Yes, you need to break it off. It's not about who he visits or when, it's about how you survive in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic who in all likelihood has no intention of changing. The answer is: you don't. But if there's any doubt, offer the challenge. He quits drinking, gets serious help from AA, which means he also changes his playground (ie., he no longer hangs with others who abuse drugs & alcohol). But britx, he's not going to do that. And if you stay, you invite more abuse in the future, guaranteed. Leave him. Now.

Huge red flag People generally treat you better in front of other people, whether it be family or out in public. It's ed making a good impression. If he is acting like a fuckhead in front of his family then it will only get worse. This is second to the fact that he is being manipulative about you not going with him and the fact that he got physiy violent with you. Now would be the time to leave and leave quickly. Why would you take a chance on things getting worse? If it starts off bad like this, it only gets worse. Look towards the future. If you have this many issues with him now before you get married or have , think about what will happen after he gets you "locked in."

Listen Britt this is serious, you need to act on this today not tomorrow or next week today. If you have family close by them now and say you need a place to stay for a while. Do in now Britt!

Leave now, again anyone who threatens your safety, and drinks for the courage to be the real lame f'er he obviously is, isn't worth your time. Go, go now.

GET AWAY FROM HIM!! I was in an abusive relationship and his anger scared me as well.

A long time ago A very wise counselor said to me, "You have the right to be happy". britx "You have the right to be happy". Life won't always be happy but by the choices that you make for yourself you can have a heck of a lot of control...

Well he clearly has a problem He makes you go with him to his family's house, that's the first problem. he shouldn;t MAKE you do anything. If you don't want to go, don't go. The second problem is his drinking. He drinks in excess and that brings us to problem number three, his temper. Get out now, save yourself some grief. Do not marry him and start a family. It will be so much harder to leave, financially and emotionally, at that point. I'm sorry. I know it's hard to watch someone you love become someone you will grow to despise. Good luck.

You can't fix his problems-leave now, not later Sounds like he has tried to be a good person around you for a lot of your relationship but how he acts around his family is what you're in for for the rest of your life if you don't find the courage to end this relationship. I've been married for almost x years and I can tell you everyone has challenges in a relationship but there is no salvaging this situation because his mindset is really hard to change. Short-term embarrassment is a small price to pay for avoiding a miserable life--or at least several years until you accept what you have gotten yourself into. Do what's right for you and get out of this relationship permanently now. More comments: Disrespectfulness: Even if it's happening when drinking shows that he doesn't value you as a person and it's probably going to get worse. Violence: Physical violence should be a relationship-ender right away. It is a *crime* to hit someone; that doesn't change if you are in love with the person you assault. There is probably something in your life that has let you put up with this but you don't deserve it and it will happen again with him. Drinking: Yes it's true that people go to AA and get better but it is really hard and there are a lot of setbacks. AA is also essentially a self-brainwashing that has to happen to get the drinking under control, and his personality and what he wants in life would probably have to change and Again, no foundation for a lifetime commitment.

If you were my daughter . . . . . . after I smashed this son-of-a-bitch's face for getting drunk and hitting you, I'd be having a heart-to-heart talk with you about why you are planning to marry this man. This is the real him, brit -- and it's only going to get worse. He goes out of his way to spend time with these people (I don't care if they are family or not, they are poisonous), and gets shit-faced when he does. On top of that, he's a mean drunk. Mean drunks should be avoided at all costs. No matter how "sweet" he is when he's not drunk -- you really don't want to live your life in fear every time he has one too many. If he's angry with you for not going to see his uncle, then that means that his uncle -- and the alcohol -- means more to him than you. What is it going to take to wake you up to the fact that this man is bad news, all around?

So true. There is nothing worse than a mean drunk. Never let someone use being drunk as an excuse for bad behavior--they got themselves in that state, and they are responsible for what they do in it. I can see your future, and it is BLEAK. And the lives of your children will be ruined before they even have a chance. Listen to what people are saying here, this is not how you want to live.

This has nothing to do with his family it has to do with the fact that he is an abusive drunk. This behavior will come out again whether he's drinking with his uncle or not. Don't put up with this...get out before it gets worse.

hey idiot...abuse is abuse whether you want to blame on the uncle or not! get out while you have mouth to yell from.

First, leave him. Second, look for a good therapist in your area. I shit you not - you've got nothing but a future of unnecessary drama and pain with this guy if you don't walk away. Unless he get's help for his alcohol abuse. What do you think the chances are of that? Exactly.

How long have you lived together? Do you have family you can stay with? Do you have the funds to get your own place? I left my boyfriend this year. He drank everyday and got verbally abusive, using every terrible name you could think of. He would threaten to ruin my life and kill me. He finally did kick me really bad. He would be the total opposite the next morning and never apologize and act like it never happened. He tried to make his anger my fault, although sometimes he would blame his work. He would agree to go to AA and counseling, but never follow up on it. I was with him for three years also. It is hard to leave sometimes, but you can do it. Go to Alanon for support and stay busier than you ever thought you could. Join a gym and start feeling good about yourself because life is too short to waste another moment with an abuser.

Run fast, run far... Do not stay with someone you are afraid of, ever, for any reason, even if they use alcohol as an excuse for their behavior. I'm a pretty firm believer that the guy you see when he's drunk is the guy he really is. There are no filters when you're drunk, and if his 'go to' emotion is mean, angry and abusive, that's the real him. At least you're not married yet. Please don't marry him. Please leave him.

well, to be brutally honest your boyfriend is an asshole. your boyfriend is an alcoholic. your boyfriend is abusive towards you. and you want advice about what to do? really?! LEAVE HIM BEFORE HE INJURES OR KILLS YOU. THIS IS NOT LOVE. and it saddens me to no end, if this is really all true, that you need strangers on the internet to tell you this.

life is too short for this shit OP